1015 Days

I promised myself to write a blog that was about me and about who I am today but I have not yet trusted what I might say. I'm worried I'll hurt someone's feelings or embarrass myself and I'm worried I'll be judged for being silly or small or whatever. But…. But …. I need to be real.

I decided to get sober in March of 2022. I did it for my kids mostly because I was scared of who I wanted to become when I drank, which is someone who drinks and has fun and is the life of the party. The thing was, I wasn't that person. I was anxious and nervous and cut myself off because though I want to have fun, I am scared of repeating the past. 

I've been sober for two full calendar years 2023 and 2024 and this year I will have my 3 year soberversary in March. I have just closed out my second set of sober holidays and this experience feels at once like a revelation and like nothing special. 

The day of my last drink we were on vacation in Oceanside and I was in a bad mood. I was mad about all kinds of things but I was so annoyed with myself I had decided to have a cocktail with dinner when I had planned not to. I only had one and dinner was fun but I was ashamed of myself. I had been flirting with the idea of quitting forever and hadn't had the nerve but on that night I found the courage to convince myself it was okay to be different. 

Sobriety, at first, in my experience, feels like admitting to being not good enough at life. It feels like you have just said, okay okay you got me. I'm not like all of you. 

However, after the shock wears off a little it feels like a cheat code. Like, how the fuck did I not realize life could be half as complicated and twice as nice? Alcohol so permeated every gathering, celebration, event, of all of my life that I knew no other way. 

The year of peace is about making peace with all of myself including and maybe especially this part of me. I've held onto some shame and doubt about “needing” to be sober that I'm ready to release. My sobriety is a gift to myself that I have never once regretted. It's also a gift to my kids and my husband and to my future self.