Why I stepped back from the volunteer grind (and what I am doing now)

Last year I made a commitment to myself: be done with grinding for free for SFUSD. This promise was easier on paper than in reality and it took me 14 months to finish out all my commitments. Don’t get me wrong: I am proud of many things I accomplished as a heavily invested volunteer. However, the more involved I got, the more supportive I became, the more diminished the returns. Take my social life for instance. They say that these boards are a great way to meet people and they are but they are a great way to either intimidate or alienate most people. On one hand, people are really impressed about the commitment and they thank you for your time and energy you’re putting into the school. On the other hand, they roll their eyes when you invite them to a meeting or when they make a complaint while waiting for the morning drop off to finish and you respond with an educated and nuanced answer. Coffee invites don’t come frequently from that crowd. 

Take my favorite example of this scenario. A mom I know well as our daughters have been in same classes and activities for many years together approaches me. 

Her: You know they are looking for a new PTA president? (Of course I knew) 

Me: Yeah, I know, are you interested? 

Her: Oh no, I work so I couldn’t do it. It’s terrible how much they ask of Moms to give away their time. It’s an antiquated system. 

ALSO Her: I think you would be great at it. 

Me: (working 50-60 hours a week as a school leader AND leading another board) Yeah, it is a big ask. I am already overseeing several projects so I can’t take that on. 

Her: I understand. 

Me: …. Thanks? 

So not only does this person, who I know well, not see me as a person with her same needs but also is willing to ask me to do more and mildly disappointed I won’t step up and take on something else so her kid can have the benefit of an active PTA without her having to dive in. 

Looking back, my blood does begin to boil a little bit. This is all a symptom of a deeply concerning and broken system of San Francisco’s public education that relies on volunteerism and private donations to make schools that are even approaching functioning and supportive of students. I leaned in because I wanted my kids to have a decent education but I did this at great personal cost to myself.

Of course, I made several friends among the over committed volunteers, mostly moms, who see getting involved as a civic duty and also have a hard time saying no. I love these people and I can rely on them to support me in frustration at the above interaction and I can also rely on them to do whatever it takes to support our kids. They are amazing.

Back to the beginning here, so I decided to drop out and invest time in myself. I have no hobbies to speak of though I have many interests and for the past 4 months since my official volunteer gig ended I have been able to breathe a little easier and not worry about what spreadsheet or document needed my attention after I finish my work day, finish caring for my family and then use my little time to get a task done. 

To be clear though, my version of not volunteering still includes being a soccer manager, going on the occasional field trip and running the math club for the school but, you know, baby steps.